Flushed Away
by sushigal007
Summary: For my daughter, Blue. Set immediately after "Catch and Release". Peridot carries out a number of experiments to determine whether the toilet can possibly be used as an escape route.
_"Do you mind moving? I have to use that."_

 _"For what?"_

Steven opened his mouth to explain, and then closed it again when he realised he had no idea where to start. "Um…" Peridot continued to stare at him, curiosity written all over her face, so he took a deep breath and began. "OK. So… gems get all their energy from their gems, right?"

"That's correct," Peridot answered cautiously.

"Well, human beings get their energy from food. It's, um, stuff we put in our mouths," he added quickly as she opened her mouth, presumably to ask what food was. "It contains… uh, protein and carbs and sugar." He paused for a moment before admitting, "I forget what else, but if you like, I can show you a cereal box. They write that stuff on the back."

Peridot nodded slowly. "Go on."

"OK. So, food goes through our bodies and all the nutrients get absorbed along the way," he continued slowly, trying to figure out how best to word the next part. "But we can't use it all. And the... uh… waste is um…" He stopped and grinned nervously at her. "Er… expelled. Into that. The toilet." He finished with a small flourish towards the toilet she was perched upon. "And it all gets flushed away."

The little green gem narrowed her eyes at him. "That sounds like an extremely inefficient method of energy provision," she commented flatly.

"It depends on the food," he said with a shrug. "I know corn doesn't get digested properly, for example. Anyway, I really need to go now, so could you just maybe stand over there and turn around? Please?"

Peridot pulled a face, but slid off the toilet and stood in the corner of the bathroom. She listened to the bizarre noises coming from the Steven and wondered whether to ask for more details. Her natural curiosity won out. "So how exactly does this… food nutrients get absorbed?" she asked.

"I don't know all the details exactly," Steven admitted. "But I know who could help explain." He flushed the toilet and began to wash his hands. "You can turn around now. Anyway, my friend Connie's mom is a doctor, I'll ask her if she has some books you can read if you like."

"That would be acceptable," Peridot said begrudgingly. "Thank you.

"OK, I'll go call her now." Steven grinned cheerfully at her and then turned and left the room.

After making sure the door was securely locked behind him, Peridot returned to the toilet and examined it carefully. "Hmm. So it appears my initial observations were not entirely unfounded," she mused aloud. "This… _toilet_ may not be the exit portal I originally assumed it to be, but it does remove human waste products from the Steven's quarters. I will carry out further experiments to discover its limitations. Perhaps with modifications, it could serve as an exit." She paused and wrinkled her nose for a moment. "I need a new communicator log."

xXxXx

The experiments began with the roll of flattened plant pulp hanging next to the toilet. A single sheet was dropped into the water and swiftly swept away. Then two sheets. Then four. Eight. Sixteen. Thirt-

"Peridot!" She jumped violently and almost dropped the entire roll into the bowl as the Steven knocked on the door. She unlocked it and poked her head out to see the little boy grinning at her. "Connie said her mom said that's fine and she's gonna bring some books over and hang out for a while."

"OK," Peridot said flatly and closed the door again. Then she opened it again. "Do you have any more of those rolls of flattened plant pulp at all?"

Steven wrinkled his nose in confusion for a moment before understanding dawned upon him. "You mean toilet paper? Yeah, there's a few more in the in the cupboard under the sink." He narrowed his eyes suddenly. "Why?"

"No reason," Peridot said hurriedly and slammed the door.

Steven narrowed his eyes further and pressed his ear to the door. Inside he could hear Peridot muttering to herself before the sound of the flush drowned out her words. Then he shrugged and went to wait for Connie. After all, they all knew she couldn't escape that way, so if she wanted to play around with the toilet, well, what harm could she come to?

xXxXx

"Oops."

128 sheets of toilet paper had been a mistake, Peridot quickly noted to herself as the water rose ominously close to the top of the bowl. She backed away hurriedly, crashed into the wall behind her and began edging towards the door as the water reached the top and began to spill over. "STEVEN!" she howled, scrabbling at the lock.

The door burst open and Peridot almost fell over as the human boy charged into the room. "Peridot! What did you do!?" he cried, taking in the scene of devastation.

"Me!?" Peridot looked offended. "I didn't do anything."

There was a long moment of silence.

"OK, I tried to flush 128 sheets of toilet paper," she admitted sullenly.

"Why?" Steven asked, completely bewildered.

Peridot just looked blankly back at him. "Why not?"

"Ugh." Steven groaned and splashed across the room towards the toilet. Then, with a look of immense disgust, he reached in and began pulling wads of sodden paper out. "Ew. Ugh. Gross."

Peridot watched him for a moment and then began speaking. "My experiments conclude that the maximum capacity for the toilet is somewhere between 64 and 128 sheets-" Then she stopped and frowned down at her forearm where her limb enhancer would usually be recording her reports. "Never mind."

"There. Fixed," Steven announced, stepping back to proudly examine his handiwork. He raised a hand to mop imaginary sweat off his brow, then thought better of it when he remembered where his hands had just been. "I'll clean the floor in a moment," he said as he turned the tap on and began lathering up with soap. "But you're not to put any more paper down there, OK?"

"Whatever," Peridot muttered. She watched and waited as Steven put some absorbent material down to soak up the water, then as soon as he left the room, her eyes drifted towards a shelving unit attached to the wall and filled with a variety of fascinating bottles. She had, after all, only agreed not to flush any more _paper…_

xXxXx

"Chocolate dreamcake. Oh, and that one with the caramel cookie crumbs on!" Steven declared happily into the phone. "Ooh, and they've got a special offer on at the moment, if you buy five donuts, you get six free." He listened to Connie's response and shook his head firmly. "Tell Lars it's 16b on the register."

The tinny sound of Lars arguing that 16b didn't even _exist_ on the register was suddenly drowned out by the sound of the toilet flushing. Steven turned his head to face the bathroom door and gulped apprehensively. "Connie? Hold on a second, I'll be right back."

With that, he pressed the phone to his chest and knocked firmly on the bathroom door. "Peridot? What are you doing in there?"

"Nothing!"

"I can hear the flush going!"

"It's not paper!"

Steven sighed. "Let me in, Peridot."

For a moment there was silence and he wondered if she would actually ignore his request, but then the lock clicked and the door opened a fraction. "It's not-eep!" she squeaked, as Steven pulled the door open and sternly marched inside. He stomped over to the toilet, and then stopped, puzzled at the mound of bubbles in the bowl.

"What _is_ that?" he asked, absently placing his phone beside the sink and leaning over the toilet for a closer look.

"Not paper," Peridot said again, crossing her arms behind her back and glaring at him. "I said I wouldn't."

"Then what _did_ you flush?" Steven asked sternly.

There was a short pause as the two gazed at each other, then Peridot sighed and brought her arms out from behind her back. In one of her hands was a bottle of shampoo.

"My mango-passionfruit shower smoothie shampoo! Peridot!" Steven wailed is dismay. "I _need_ that!" Then he thought for a moment. The loss of his favourite shampoo would be a heavy blow, but he had to admit that Peridot would probably make a lot less mess flushing shampoo than anything else she might find in the bathroom. "OK. You can flush the shampoo. But that's it. Connie will be here soon. Actually, I'm gonna go and see if I can see her," he added mostly to himself as he left the room.

xXxXx

As soon as the door closed, Peridot's gaze drifted over to the small electronic device that had been left on the sink. She picked it up and looked curiously at it. A small voice was calling out from it, but stopped abruptly as she touched one of the buttons on the surface. Intrigued, she began pressing more buttons at random until she reached some sort of menu screen. "Voice Recorder…" she read slowly. Then she gasped in delight. "Voice Recorder!" Her fingers trembled and she carefully jabbed the screen, before raising the device to her mouth. "This is Peridot, Facet-2F5L Cut-5XG." Then she gingerly poked the screen until suddenly, her own words rang back out at her. _"This is Peridot, Facet-2F5L Cut-5XG."_

She valiantly choked back the desire to cackle with triumphant laughter and instead cleared her throat. "Log date 752. I have been captured by the Crystal Clods, but have managed to barricade myself inside a _bathroom_. The only other route of here is something called a toilet, which appears to be designed to remove small quantities of human waste away from the Steven's quarters. I am currently carrying out controlled experiments to ascertain exactly what can be… flushed away," she concluded, squirting a rather large quantity of shampoo into the toilet bowl. She giggled gleefully as the water churned and bubbles rose. Then she cleared her throat. "Experiment one – mango-passionfruit shower smoothie shampoo. Success."

The toilet flushed again.

"Experiment two – kiwi-lime super-bubblicious shower gel. Success."

Flush.

"Experiment three- SHARKSWEAT, BACON and ENGINE OIL MANGEL for MEN. Unpleasant, but successful."

Flush.

"Experiment four – tu-too-uh…" There was a short pause as Peridot squinted at the unfamiliar words written on the bottle. "Too-ti froo-ti yummy hap-eek!"

There was a sudden bang on the door and Steven's voice echoed through the wood. "Peridot! Connie's here!"

Her concentration abruptly broken, Peridot jumped violently. She could only watch in agonised horror as her new log recorder slipped out of her grasp and plopped into the bubble-filled toilet bowl. "Nooooooooooo!"

"Peridot? Are you all right in there?"

"Fine! Fine! Nothing!" she squeaked, casting desperate looks between the toilet and the door.

"Then could you open the door and let us in?"

After a final agonised look at the toilet, she sighed and tried to rearrange her features into an innocent smile before unlocking the door and stood aside to let the Steven and his human friend enter. "Hello, everything is fine."

Apparently noticing nothing amiss, Steven grinned cheerfully at her. "Peridot, meet Connie. Connie, this is Peridot. She's nice now."

"No I'm not!" Peridot protested.

"She is really," Steven whispered from behind his hand.

Connie laughed slightly and stepped forward. "Steven said you were interested in human anatomy-"

"Human whattomy?"

"Eating," Steven quickly explained.

"Right, eating," Connie held out a book. "Here's one of my mom's textbooks, it's got a whole section on the digestive system-that's how food goes through the body," she explained, seeing the bewildered look on Peridot's face. "There's other stuff in there too, if you're interested."

"Thanks, you can go now," Peridot said flatly, pulling the book out of Connie's hands.

Connie blinked. "Uh, OK…"

"Oh!" Steven exclaimed. "Before we go, did I leave my phone in here?"

Peridot quickly held the book up in front of her face. "Nooooo?"

Steven narrowed his eyes. "Peridot…" he said warningly.

"Wow this is totally fascinating, I'm learning so much!"

"You're holding it upside down," Connie pointed out.

"Peridot, where is my phone?" Steven quickly interrupted.

Peridot lowered the book slightly and peeped guiltily over the top. "I haven't seen it. Not recently, anyway."

Unable to help herself, she glanced over at the toilet. Steven's gaze followed her and he let out a horrified gasp. "You didn't!"

Peridot cringed in shame. "It was an accident," she said defensively as Steven ran over to the toilet and plunged his hands into the bubbles, drawing out the dripping phone.

"My apps! My contacts! My videos of Lion being cuuuuuuute!" he wailed.

"They'll be backed up on cloud storage," Connie rushed to reassure him.

"My Crying Breakfast Friends custom smiley stickers!"

"Hopefully those _won't_ be," she muttered quietly.

Steven groaned and flopped back onto the floor. He glared up at Peridot, who immediately glared back. "Peridot. No more flushing things down the toilet," he said firmly.

"I didn't flush it," she pointed out.

"No more putting _anything_ down the toilet," he snapped. "No paper, no shampoo, no soap, no towels, no toothbrushes and absolutely NO ELECTRONICS."

"Yeah, fine, whatever," she muttered, turning the book upside down and lifting it up to hide her face.

"Come on, Steven," Connie said reassuringly as she lead him out of the bathroom. "Maybe it'll be all right once it's dried out.

xXxXx

As soon as the door closed, Peridot raised her gaze from the book and sighed heavily. She hadn't _meant_ to drop the phone! Still, perhaps Steven had a point. Maybe she should just sit quietly and read for a bit. Clearly the toilet wasn't a viable escape route anyway. She flipped through the pages until she found the relevant chapter and began reading.

Then her eyes widened.

xXxXx

Steven and Connie were laying the various parts of his phone on a towel to dry when they heard the retching sounds coming from inside the bathroom. They exchanged a glance and then both leapt to their feet and ran to the door.

"Peridot" Are you OK in there!"

"Human beings are DISGUSTING!" came the revolted reply. "You really do this? Ugh! Oh my stars! Eugh!"

The two children exchanged glances for a moment and then suddenly burst into hysterical giggles. "We should probably get that back before she reaches the chapter on human reproduction," Connie choked out between laughs.

There was a muffled screech from behind the door. "It comes out WHERE!?"

"Are we sure she's not already reading it?" Steven giggle-snorted in response.

More sick-noises came from the bathroom and with a valiant effort, Steven managed to stop laughing. "If you need to vomit, it's OK to use the toilet for that!" he called out.

"If I need to _what!?_ " There was a moment of silence. "Oh. Ew. Eugh. Never mind."


End file.
